April Fools

April Fools’ Day joke articles

BREAKING NEWS: Adammia Invades Insomnia Festival, Nationalises Multiplay

BICKENHILL – Over the past few days, reports have come in of massive Adammic military movements around the National Exhibition Centre on the outskirts of Birmingham, UK. The Adammic Express has been able to get exclusive access to recently-declassified documents which reveal what is really going on.

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Adammic flags pictured flying outside the entrance of the NEC.

Shortly before the 62nd Insomnia Gaming Festival was due to open at the NEC on Thursday, the Adammic Government staged an intervention into the event, after the Emperor, along with a large number of Adammic citizens who also attend the festival, expressed concerns that GAME, the company which owns organiser Multiplay Events, had over-commercialised the event and was exploiting its loyal customers by constantly raising prices. Late on Wednesday night, operatives from the Adammic Intelligence Service exploited a bug in The Ticket Factory’s notoriously-broken BYOC seat picker, which granted them root access to GAME’s accounting system. They then transferred ownership of Multiplay Events to the Degiro account of the Emperor’s private equity fund, Adammic Investments Ltd. The Adammic government then bought Multiplay from the Emperor’s fund, thus nationalising the company, for the sum of £40, which was just enough to reimburse the Emperor for GAME’s recent plunge in stock price.

The seat picker bug also allowed the AIS to claim all of the available seats in the BYOC hall, which it then gave away for free to Adammic citizens. On Thursday morning, MPUK’s new owners began to arrive at the NEC, escorted by the 2nd Infantry Division. They quickly asserted control of the event staff and volunteers, directing full attention to the BYOC hall, which allowed it to open at midday, six hours earlier than GAME had originally scheduled it, whilst deciding to leave the Expo hall until later. Meanwhile, NEC security were marched off the premises (except for Andy, he’s cool) by Adammia’s elite Special Operations unit, and replaced with Adammic military guards.

The next order of business was to take control of the event’s bar. Existing stocks of Heineken and Carlsberg were dumped in Pendigo Lake and replaced with the finest-quality Adammic beer and wine imported from Tytannia, which allowed the price of a pint to be reduced from £5.50 to 10p. Convoys were also scheduled between the BYOC hall and the nearest Tesco, which delivered crates of Kopparberg, Strongbow Dark Fruit, Jack Daniels and Jagermeister directly to people’s desks, venue licencing laws be damned.

When on Friday morning the famous YouTubers began to arrive, most of them were detained and forced to join the Green volunteer team, which was being made to build a castle for the Emperor inside Hall 5. However, Tom “ProSyndicate” Cassell was singled out, arrested by the Adammic Police Force, and taken to the Resorts World casino, where he was forced to gamble his entire life savings on a game of poker, which was being filmed. Cassell was unable to resist the urge to pull a stupid face at the camera, thus ruining his attempt at bluffing and costing him the game. The Adammic Government denied setting up the situation, stating that Resorts World was simply “this new casino we just found”. Meanwhile, all the day-time stage shows have been cancelled, and replaced with Stuart “Ashens” Ashen reviewing old tat all day long.

Back in the LAN hall, the Call of Duty World League has been cancelled and replaced with a Golf With Friends tournament organised by the Adammic Esports Association. Madam Bryony Weedon DOA is the current favourite to win. The Adammic government have set up their own offices in the staff seating area, where Prime Minister Lord Helliker has been causing some confusion because his talking voice is louder than some of the CS:GO teams’ celebrations after they win a game. The Leader of the Opposition, Admiral Simpson, is nowhere to be seen, but the flagship of the 1st Imperial Fleet is moored on Pendigo Lake and it is believed that she is on board drinking Long Island Iced Teas and playing The Sims.

The Insomnia World Famous Pub Quiz was moved back to its original Saturday night slot and took place last night, with one key difference: it was now a strictly black-tie event, with Adammic military guards turning away anyone not wearing a suit or a dress. The VIP tables at the front normally reserved for the YouTubers were instead occupied by the Adammic government and their friends; the YouTubers, after a hard day’s work building the Emperor’s castle, were allowed to sit in the back row, in an area specifically designed by the Yellow volunteer team to be a Wifi and mobile signal dead spot, in order to prevent them from Googling the answers like they usually do. Henners won the quiz, with BigClan finishing second, proving that the natural order of things has been restored.

Adammia’s changes to the event are not yet over. Rumour has it that the line-up for tonight’s wrestling show has been altered, and it will now feature a fight between Celestia Vega and Holli “Holita” Francis in order to determine the #1 E-Girl. The Adammic government has been forced to deny that it is supplying Francis with a number of stepladders to use against Vega, which could be considered unfair.

With the Adammic flag now flying from every corner of the NEC, one has to wonder what is the next step. Our sources believe that, once the event is over, the Adammic military will turn its attention to Coventry, hoping to hold i63 at the Ricoh Arena. A Treasury order for several huge blue tents has fuelled these rumours, and we can be sure of one thing – if the stories of the Emperor’s past history with rugby in high school PE are to be believed, then he will gleefully do to the ground of the Coventry Wasps what MPUK did to it four years ago.

That is all for now. Seek wisdom and honour, and long live the Imperial Gaming Festival!

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BREAKING NEWS: Adammia votes to Leave in GUM Referendum

IMPERIAL CITY, Tytannia – In a shock result, the people of the Empire of Adammia narrowly voted to leave the Grand Unified Micronational in yesterday’s referendum. As a result, Prime Minister Sir Paul McKenna has resigned and elections are underway for a new government.

The result follows a brutal campaign in which the Adammic National Party campaigned on the Leave side whilst the Liberal Party campaigned for the Remain side. The Moderate and Labour parties were mostly ambivalent (to the surprise of nobody) during the campaign – however, Moderate candidate Emperor Mother Jayne, a former PM who is considered the front-runner to succeed McKenna, has already expressed a desire to embrace the result, declaring that “Adexit means Adexit”. This seems to be at odds with her previous support for the Remain side, though that previous support was always known to be somewhat lukewarm, consisting of a single photo opportunity with Remain campaigners in her home province of Maternia. She clarified her stance on the result in a speech to the Ruling Council earlier today, stating that she wished to see a “blue and green Adexit”.

Given that it is considered highly likely that the Emperor Mother will win her party’s nomination – with Moderate rivals Lord Sir Andrew Hall and Madam Julie Foster crumbling and withdrawing from the race within hours of putting their name forward – questions are already being asked about what her potential Cabinet might look like. To the surprise of many, she has hinted at support for notorious Leave campaigner Sir Christopher Hall for the role of Minister of Foreign Affairs. Hall attracted controversy by touring the Empire in a Mercedes E-class painted with the slogan, “We send £3.50 a week to the GUM, let’s spend it on AISA instead”. Since the result was announced, some Ministry of Finance civil servants have come forward to suggest that the slogan was a lie, pointing to the fact that Adammia does not send any money to the GUM under the October 2016 budget.

Meanwhile, the result seems to have energised the Liberal Party, which was left crippled in the 2016 National Election due to the fact that all of its members were too young to be eligible to run for PM (except the Emperor, who is barred under the Supreme Directive due to being the Monarch). With the ANP strongly supporting Leave, the Emperor Mother’s Moderates likely to do the same, and even the Labour Party starting to lean in the Leave direction, the Liberals are attempting to position themselves as representing the citizens who voted to Remain. Despite the party only getting two votes in last year’s local elections, recently-elected party leader Prince Jake has insisted that they have a serious chance of forming a majority government. They have already started campaigning in the election to succeed McKenna, producing this dubious-looking graph.

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Graph produced by the Liberal Party.

This leaves the question of the Labour Party. Paul McKenna, the now-former PM, has already resigned his seat in the Ruling Council, and his future now seems unclear, although some have suggested he could work for the Union Against Micronational War. McKenna’s Minister of Finance, Sir Reginald Hall, has decided to stay as a Councilor, but has also taken up a side job as the Editor of the Adammic Express. We would just like to say that Sir Reginald is super amazing and inspirational! Meanwhile, a heated race is underway to select the Labour candidate for the National Election. The two front-runners are Sir David Hall, the Minister of the Environment in the McKenna Cabinet, and Eleanor Hall, who has spent her time in the Council so far as a backbencher. Despite Sir David being seen by many as the more moderate, mainstream option, Eleanor, who supports a range of radical left-wing policies, has attracted the support of a group of highly committed activists going by the name Velocity, who could tip the selection process in her favour. Labour’s stance on Adexit has also complicated matters. Despite both candidates stating that they would challenge the so-called “Hard Adexit” supported by the ANP and many Moderates, Labour today voted in favour of preliminary legislation to begin the exit process without forcing any amendments. Some have suggested that the Labour strategy is to defend against the ANP, fearing that the right-wing party’s “populist” approach could threaten their heartlands. Experts have pointed out that this is mathematically impossible, due to the fact that the ANP have no members in the Provinces, and that the real threat comes from the Liberals, but this does not seem to have changed the Labour approach.

That is all for now. Seek wisdom and honour, and long live the Empire!

BREAKING NEWS – Memes Announced as Official Adammic Religion

MLGVILLE, Primoria – In a surprise move earlier today, Emperor Adam signed an Imperial Decree declaring Memes to be the official state religion of the Empire of Adammia. From now on, all Adammic citizens will be required to worship a meme of their choice at least twice per day.

Plans have been announced to create Meme Temples across the Empire. Each Province is to have a temple devoted to a different meme. In Tytannia, Governor’s Residence is now the Temple of GabeN, where citizens will be able to pray to the Lord and Saviour of the PC Master Race in the hopes of receiving dank CS:GO skins.

The Primoria Imperial Observatory has been renamed the Temple of Mr Skeltal. Here, citizens will be able to upvote in 5 seconds pray for healthy bones and lots of calcium. Meanwhile, the dustbin in Maternia (seriously there’s nothing exciting in the entire province) is now the Temple of John Cena. Watertopia is to host a temple for Doge, whilst Myway will be home to a temple for Shrek.

In order to enforce the new laws, the Adammic Army has recruited a new Meme Inquisition squad. This team of FaZe Clan members armed with AWPs will be noscoping anybody found to be worshipping false, heretical memes such as “Damn Daniel”. In a post on the MicroWiki Forums, the Emperor suggested that there could be a “crusade” against different religions by Memers. When this line of rhetoric was challenged, being described as “medieval” by some, the Emperor responded by saying he can do whatever he wants with his micronation.

However, not everyone in Adammia is convinced. A citizen who asked to remain anonymous filed a lawsuit at the Grand Court of Adammia claiming that the decree infringed upon their rights under Article XII of the Supreme Directive. The Judge of the Grand Court (who, coincidentally, is also the Emperor) ruled that the decree was lawful based on his interpretation. The Ruling Council met this afternoon and raised no objections to the decree, because when have they ever opposed the Emperor on literally anything?

That is all for now. Praise memes, and long live the Empire!

UPDATE: April Fools!

BREAKING NEWS: PM Resigns, Snap Election Called

Adam I, Editor

IMPERIAL CITY, Tytannia – In the past few hours, word has come in from the Office of the Prime Minister that HIH Emperor Mother Jayne, Prime Minister of Adammia, has resigned as head of government. The announcement comes following a series of allegations that the PM had violated the Defence Act 2015 by ordering an occupation of the Sorrenian Federation without a state of war having first been declared.

This has left the government in a massive power vacuum and a number of hopefuls are already rising to the challenge, preparing to run in a snap election which the Emperor has called on the weekend of the 18th-19th of April.

First amongst these is the Conservatory Party, led by the Councilor of Tytannia, Sir Reginald Hall. With a campaign focusing on economic growth, the Conservatories have already published a plan for public spending which sees a cut in company tax. This means that the wine sold by Capital Brewery Ltd. now costs 9p instead of 10p. The fact that the leader of the party is also the CEO of Capital Brewery Ltd. has been the source of some criticism.

Another key contender is Julie Foster’s Lefty Party. They seek to re-introduce the minimum wage, which was introduced in January and abolished in March. Other policies include the creation of an Imperial Health Service (IHS), which will be funded by nationalising Capital Brewery Ltd. and AB Animation Ltd. The latter company, one of the most-watched Adammic broadcasters, reacted to this by posting a video to their “Craftanium” series, viewable here, appearing to show the party leader struggling to eat a scone.

Although the Conservatories and the Lefties have each gained a lot of support, Adammia’s oldest party, the Emperor’s Liberal Party, has struggled to catch up. It still has only a single member, the Emperor, who is not allowed to run for PM due to being Monarch. As a result, they are focusing on raising funds for campaign material such as posters. Reports have come in that a large donation from an unknown individual at the Office of the Emperor could help the party.

Meanwhile, a number of smaller parties have exploited the power vacuum to make their mark known. It is possible that no candidate will be able to secure a majority, so a coalition government could be formed for the first time in the Empire’s history. Who could support the Conservatories or the Lefties in such a coalition? One likely party is General Sir Will McCracken’s Adammic Independence Party. Their key policy is for the Empire to exit the Grand Unified Micronational, blaming an influx of immigrants from other GUM member states such as Mercia for economic problems throughout Adammia. Critics have pointed out that immigration into Adammia has been at 0 for almost a year, and also that the GUMzone Inactivity Crisis means that the GUM will likely dissolve in the coming weeks anyway, leaving ADIP without any clear direction.

A party which has gathered a lot of support amongst Adammia’s youth is Prince Jake’s Cyan Party. A key policy of theirs is the legalisation of cannabis, an odd move considering that technically cannabis is already legal in Adammia and is only banned due to the influence of the neighbouring UK. Prince Jake was unavailable for comment, but we did find this from one of his YouTube videos. Meanwhile, Adammia’s first regional party, Sir Christopher Hall’s Myway National Party, is advocating a greater devolution of powers from the Ruling Council to Myway’s local government, as well as giving a larger portion of the Treasury budget to Myway. Although the MNP have released a statement saying that they are confident that they can enter a coalition with the Lefty Party, the Lefties are yet to recognise the MNP’s existance.

The Adammic Express will keep posting updates in the run-up to the election. Seek wisdom and honour, and long live the Empire!

UPDATE: April Fools!

BREAKING NEWS: Billy Seizes Control of Government, Installs Military Dictatorship

BILLYVILLE, Primoria – In the past hour, a force of paramilitary units under the command of Billy, mascot of the Adammic Army, has swooped on Primoria Province and invaded the Imperial Household, forcing the Emperor to abdicate. Immediately afterwards, the Ruling Council was dissolved and Billy declared himself Supreme Dictator of the Empire, which has been renamed to the People’s Republic of Adammia.

The coup d’etat saw very little fighting, with the Primoria Battalion overrun in mere minutes. Cpl. Michael Mellor, a veteran of the Skirmish of Astley Meadow, was sadly killed in the fighting. He was two days from retirement.

Billy has already set up a new, communist government. In Tytannia, wine production has been collectivised (whatever that means), with some citizens actually in support of the change. Access to some websites, such as craftanium.com, has been blocked for containing “pro-Imperial propaganda”. Meanwhile, a massive recruitment drive has begun for a new, revamped Adammic army, which has a surprising choice for its general – James Foster, the infamous perpetrator of the Skirmish of Tytannia last year. The government has announced plans to leave the GUM and form a new intermicronational organisation, which will be named “T.N.A.M.O.” (however, we still aren’t sure what the letters stand for). Furthermore, AISA’s rocket program has been seized and has been repurposed to carry explosives. A video released earlier, described by some as “disturbing”, depicts what appears to be cities such as Wrythe, Wyvern-stad and Rosewood being destroyed. “The time to explosion is coming,” said Alfie, a spokesperson for Billy, in a public statement.

Emperor Adam has fled the country, bound for nearby Erephisia, and was not available for comment. However, Crown Prince Daniel, who was Adam’s heir, was said to be “furious”. In an interview, Emperor Father Kevin said that he found the situation “very confusing”.

Seek wisdom and honour, and long live the People’s Republic!

UPDATE: April Fools!